When I was eight the closest concept about having kids was carrying around a doll. Well, all right, I did stuff a pillow under my shirt to look pregnant. I was just curious to see what I'd look like (which really didn't thrill me.) It never occurred to me what would cause this funny shape. I only wondered how the stork and a fat belly were connected. Honestly, the only time sex ever came up was when the girls in my fifth grade class made a contest: Who will get their period first? We saw "The Movie" and got the nifty pamphlets with cartoon graphics along with samples of Maxi Pads. We knew how babies were made but we were more concerned and harried over being the last girl to "get it."
Apparently these days having babies is the topic of bus rides to school and in its hallways on lunch breaks or bathroom breaks. Eight year old girls are a shrewd, conniving and imaginative lot. My daughter is not among them. Now I can't send her on the bus with tampon earplugs so she's still gonna hear the dynamics of Obstectrics and Gynecology from 8 year old medical professionals.
I feel it's my duty to inform the general public, moms especially, of what your daughters are learning in Health Class on Wheels. I hear a new method of conception every week from my kid. As ludicrous as they are I have to admit they are creative. I've tried to counter some of my daughter's stork stories. Some I was able to set straight, some I just have up on because my answers just give way to more questions. Hence, I lie and the lie grows more legs than a millipede.
"Mommy, the lines on your hands tell how many babies I'll have."
"Honey, I have 9 lines on my hand and at last count I had three babies and my baby shop is closed so you can forget about a baby sister'"
- Notice that I avoided mentioning that I was too old to deal with another toddler.
"Mommy I'm never getting married because I don't want to have babies. It looks like it really hurts!"
"Sara, you can get married and not have a baby"
- Note to self, stop watching A Baby Story and Maternity Ward with the kid in the room.
"Mom, I want a boyfriend so I won't have a baby."
"Dear, you can still have a baby with a boyfriend if you want"
- You'd pay money to see the look of horror on her face.
"Mama, Chrissy said all ladies have to have babies! I don't want to have a baby and I don't want to be a spinster!"
"Number one who taught you that word? Number two, you can have a boyfriend or husband and not have a baby. The doctor can help you."
- New can of worms just opened.
"How Mommy? I don't want and operation!"
"Sara, why are you obsessed with operations? You can take a pill."
- Yes, I went there.
"I can't take pills Mommy! I don't want to go to a doctor anyway"
"Honey, there are other ways not to have a baby."
- Nice work Mom. Invite some more sordid questions.
I recommend changing the subject immediately as I did. Do whatever it takes. Offer ice cream, buy her some more useless rubber wrist bands, suffer through another Toy Story movie. Get off the topic! I also found it helpful to hide all of her dolls from Cabbage Patch Kids to Airline Pilot Barbie. Break out the Easy Bake Oven, steal her brothers' Legos. For the love of God play cops and robbers!
I'm thinking of writing to the Board of Education. In light of the Birds and the Bees sessions second grade style on Bus 810, I think a bus monitor is in order. The bus driver can't and shouldn't have to worry about Baby Conspiracy Theories. He just needs to get twenty-five odd kids to school safely. It couldn't hurt to have a Nanny McPhee type on board to set these big mouths straight!
Can't wait until third grade. I wonder if the little OB/GYNs will be discussing female anatomy. You know, like how twins are born. One baby for each exit down yonder. God help me.