The Fiscal Cliff and Children: A Love Story

I don't know about you but I am going to blow a gasket if I hear the term "fiscal cliff" one more time.  I've blown gaskets before and they are not pretty sights.  In my humble opinion, our Congress and our President are behaving worse than my own kids fighting over a toy and believe me that is not a pretty sight either.  I've become an economist by osmosis just by listening to all the major media outlets.  As a mother I want so badly to intervene among the two of them.  I'm all for checks and balances but this is getting absurd.  What the President and the Congress needs is a stressed out mother to slap them silly and shape their butts up. 

This whole disaster is ticking me off even more because my own children are affected by it.  In their limited knowledge of government and all its machinations, they've heard "fiscal cliff" one too many times.  I tell you they are more interested and worried about the proverbial cliff than they were with the end of the world on the 21st which apparently has been postponed.  At the time of this writing I am subjected to the fourth repeat of Meet the Press; David Gregory interviewing President Obama going over the same silliness followed my a panel of "fiscal cliff" experts whatever that is.  Hey David, you want experts?  Come talk to me! 

On second thought I would bet money that these stubborn clowns would cave if I let my kids run loose in Capital Hill.  God knows I've caved enough times having to live with the little buggers.  Sure kids, have some olives for breakfast!  Yes little darlings, go right ahead and watch The Exorcist!  I'll stick my 2nd grader with the President for a few days and unleash my tween boys in Boehner's digs at the the Capitol!  I guarantee that the one with the least patience and love for kiddies will buckle!  For your reading pleasure I've come up with some scenarios of interactions my kids would have with these bickering idiots.  In addition to their real names they are also identifiable but other terms.

The little one is called "TALKS TOO MUCH" She will ask the President stuff like this:

• How big is the cliff?
• Is the cliff like a roller coaster cause I don't like roller coasters?
• How do we go over the cliff?  Is someone gonna push me?
• What's at the bottom of the cliff?  I hope it's not snakes.
• If it's snowing can I go over on my sled?
• Do you go over the cliff to even though you are the President?

My twelve year old, TALKS IN CIRCLES, is like his Mom, a news junkie and political hack.  He also talks in circles; typically he will start in the middle of the story which has no identifiable beginning or end.  Lock him in a room with the Speaker, pretend you're a fly on the wall and have a listen:

• "But I don't want to go over the cliff.  What is fiscal?  Does that mean I won't get an allowance although come to think of it I don't get one.  Do you get an allowance?  I wish I had an allowance because I do a lot of chores.  Are you higher than the President?  Do you like work for him?  Who invented the cliff?  I saw a cliff once and I went over it on my BMX bike; it wasn't so bad.  Oh my God, maybe the real end of the world will happen when we go over the fiscal cliff!  The Mayans probably got the Congress's schedule wrong.  Do you think the Mayans got it wrong?  Who does your schedule anyway?  Do you know my Mom always yells at you when she sees you on the TV?  I wonder if she doesn't know that you can hear her.  I think my mom voted for you but I think she's pretty mad at you.  Do you like LEGOS?

I have a 13 year old son who surprisingly is aware of the fiscal cliff despite his addiction to video games so you know this fiscal cliff business is in your face.  I call him "TALKS BACK."  He had done so since he was able to talk and tackle reasoning.  I think I'd put him in front of the whole Congress and Senate.  The kid loves being the center of attention.  His favorite place to be is in front of any audience; this affords him plenty of people to tell off.  Being before the House and Senate will be quite similar to ordering around his younger brother as sister and on occasion his parents:

• "Yo peeps!  I'm sick and tired of you guys fighting over a stupid cliff!  My mom says you guys are in charge of making laws!  Why are you wasting time with this stuff?  I don't care if you're the President Mr. Obama, act like you're in charge or else I'll take over.  And you Mr. Speaker, you speak to much.  Let someone else get a word in edgewise.  Get to work people.  I could use some new laws.  I want it to be illegal if my sister or brother go in my room.  You guys do something with money too, don't you?  You guys get a raise every year.  How about a raise in my allowance for me too huh?  Yo, hand over over that gavel or hammer or what ever you call it.  I bang this thing all night long until to settle this stuff!  My God, do I have to be in charge of you people too?  No I won't shut up!  You shut up!  Boy if I could fire all of you guys I would.  Oh my God Boehner!  Seriously, are you going to cry?"

Mr. President and Congress, please, please for God's good grace and for the limitation of my sanity, stop this madness!  One of you grow a set and give the Hell in!  Be my guest and add "fiscal cliff" to Webster's Dictionary's list of new words for 2012 and stop talking about it already!  Do what we pay you to do and figure it out!  Before you people know it this fiscal cliff talk will be on The Disney Channel News!  They'll be debating it on Caillou!  Don't think for a minute that they'll be a Peanuts special about it: Snoopy Goes to Congress!"

Heed my warning my fellow argumentative representatives.  Knock it off before my kids come knocking at your doors!  They are far more powerful than any lobbyist you've ever laid eyes on!  Trust me, I live with these little people.  Be warned, you will either come to an agreement or The Whitehouse and Capitol Hill will go over the fiscal cliff right into an endless sinkhole!